Never Mess With A Weasley
by Amadelia
Summary: Malfoy's stolen Pansy right from under Ron's nose, and Ron is ready to get the most dire revenge...even if it means purple worms and leaky leprechauns!


A/N: This is a short story by my close friend Amourial, who doesn't have the internet so she asked me to put this up for her. I'd love to take the credit, but in your reviews, please address your amazement to her.  
  
By Amourial Urania  
  
"How in bloody hell on earth do you expect me to conclude an essay that I've been bullshitting on the whole damn time?" Ron muttered, frustrated. "Well, bullshit some more, then." Hermione's cool logic was more infuriating to him than the whole essay. "Granger and Weasley, sittin' in a tree..." Malfoy suddenly whispered in her ear, "F-U-C-K-I-N-G!" "Malfoy, shut your trap or I'll shut it for you!" "Oooh...watch me tremble," he sneered. "What's the matter, Weasley?" He simpered at him. "Not getting any after Pansy broke up with you?" "Yeah, well, at least mine's never been lost by my bedfellow." Ron retorted, his face reddening. "At least my bedfellows are never men!" "That's because none respond to your offers, you bloody faggot!" "Well, I've never had to seek the companionship of a filthy mudblood for my lover, Weasley! Unlike your crowd, the dregs of the wizarding community, I have a full-blooded Pansy Parkinson waiting upstairs!" " I don't care if you fuck her up the  
arse, you son of a gimp! I don't give a shit! Just stay the goddamned hell away from me!" Ron hollered, standing face to face with Malfoy. Malfoy violently wiped the Ron's spit off his face, signaled to Crabbe and Goyle, and strutted away and whistling nonchalantly. "Fucking bastard!" Ron sat down and threw his quill down in disgust. "What happened?" asked Harry, muddy and returning from a trying Quidditch practice. "Why's Ron all pissed off?" "Malfoy. He's up in his face about that wicked break up with Pansy. Honestly, I don't think Ron's over it." Clearly, Ron was still seething over Malfoy's violent comments about his friends and muttering violent threats as he stomped away from them dramatically.  
  
"Hey baby!" Pansy greeted Malfoy with gruesome kiss and Ron snorted in disgust. Pansy ignored him as they sat at the Slytherin table. The mail came, and Ron couldn't help but smile quite evilly. "Rooooon...what did you dooooo?" Hermione asked slowly. "Got slight revenge..." Malfoy's eagle owl circled and dropped an anonymous letter. Ron smacked George's arm and said, "Watch this, you'll be so fucking proud of me!" George motioned to Fred and Lee Jordan to watch his little brother's moment of triumph. Malfoy tore open the envelope and opened the note. He read "Dear Draco, EAT SHIT AND DIE, BASTARD! EAT SHIT AND DIE!" Malfoy looked over at Ron suspiciously, and deliberately itched his face. He then scratched harder, and the whole left side of his face was quickly covered in an itchy purple, swollen rash. Fred and George looked at Ron in awe, as Hermione, Lee Jordan and Harry were overtaken with laughter. "You have learned much, young grasshopper." "This is the finest moment of  
your life. You're coming of age." The rest of the Gryffindor table was still in stitches as they rose to give Ron a standing ovation as Malfoy itched his face all the way down to the hospital room. Ron pulled out a small pad of paper and added a scratch to Malfoy's name. "Pansy, Malfoy once more (for good measure, of course)..." Ron jotted down these thoughts. Fred turned to his brother. "Hey Ron, you aren't done yet, right?" Ron chuckled evilly. "Just gettin' started..."  
  
"Professor Snape?" Ron asked tentatively just after class had ended. "Yeeeees, Weasley?" Snape asked in a slow, silky, evil whisper. "Weeeell, I know you don't like me very much, but...do you know any-revenge potions?" Snape slowly and thoughtfully scratched his chin. "What exactly do you want to do?" "Something...very cruel and morbid." "See Chapter Three, Section Two," Snape tossed a book at Ron. It was ancient, and there was an evil-looking stain on the pages that looked alarmingly like blood. "Th-thanks, Professor." "Hmmmm..." Professor went back to organizing his potion ingredients. He found himself thinking that he rather liked the new, vindictive, evil Ron, and Ron found that quite convenient and just fine. "Oh, and Weasley..." Ron turned around in midstep. "If you need any ingredients, just ask."  
  
"Testicles of a newt, rats eyes, gold fish scales, crushed lionfish spine..." Ron's voice trailed off. "What's that?" asked Ginny coyly as Ron moved down the hall with his top-secret ingredients list. "Revenge, baby. Revenge..." He walked into Potions class had handed the list to Professor Snape. His evil smile flew to his face. "Weasley, you would have made a decent Slytherin. Follow me..." Snape led him into his supply closet. He pulled out bottles and boxes off the shelf and handed them to Ron. "Soooo...what has exactly sparked this sudden-evil streak in you?" "My girlfriend broke up with me, and she's rubbing her new guy under my nose. This is revenge on him, her, and their reputations." "Might I ask-who they are?" Snape said silkily as he continued handing assorted ingredients to Ron. "Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy Parkinson. This is also revenge for Malfoy always calling Hermione a Mudblood, so I have to get him one extra time." Although these were some of Professor  
Snape's favorite students, any chance to help a child with their violent emotions was to give their life a purpose, and Snape didn't want to deny Ron this, even though he was a Weasley. "Here you are, then, and feel free to let me know if you need everything else." "Thanks, Professor." He took his seat next to Harry and Hermione. "Ron," said Hermione gently, "Do you want me to help you put together your potion?" "No thanks," Ron's eyes glinted maliciously at Pansy, who was shamelessly flirting with Malfoy. "I got it."  
  
Pansy sat at the Slytherin table the next day, eyeing the Gryffindors with contempt. She found it hard to believe she's sat with them for a month, all just because she thought Weasley was cute and he did have big feet. Weasley was currently chatting happily with his mudblood friend and that stupid self-righteous goody-two-shoes Potter. She saw a cup of tea was steaming at her seat. "Drink this, Ginger is a natural stimulant, if you catch my meaning." The little note was signed, "Draco." She smiled, shrugged, and sipped the tea. Draco sat across from her, the swelling on his face had gone down, but it was still purple and itchy. She sipped her tea again, finishing the cup. "What's that?" Draco asked his speech slurred by the way his face was contorted. "You-" but she stopped talking and looked like she was about to be sick. She coughed three times, choked, and a purple worm flew from her mouth and hit the side of Malfoy's face. Fred and George looked to Ron. "Impressive!"  
"When you left us, you were but the learner. Now you are the master." Lee Jordan was too shocked and proud to speak. He continued to stare at Pansy, who was now spitting worms at a rapid fire pace. She was being rushed to the hospital wing. Ron caught Snape's eyes, and the two shared a laugh. "Child after my own heart..." Snape muttered.  
  
"Hermione," Ron moaned, pouring over his ancient potions book "What the bloody hell is a chimera?" "It's a large, violent, magical beast. Do you want the evolutionary history, magical properties, attack rap sheet, clever use in song lyrics-" "No, just how the fuck do I acquire its bloody teardrops? I need three," "See Professor Snape." "Dragon's Fire?" "Ditto," "Pansy Parkinson's head on a silver platter?" "I think you can take care of that yourself, R-Dog." "What the hell did you just call me???" "R-Dog. Sa, Ginny, I'm hip. I'm down with it!" "Oh, yes, what is up my homie G?" Ginny said sarcastically. "Where are my girls at? Any super geniuses in the hoooooooouse?" Hermione turned silently and shushed Ginny with a single finger on each hand, as Neville burst into the room and plopped moodily on the purple overstuffed armchair. "What's up?" Hermione said it just for polite purposes, but Neville sighed and began his one-sided conversation. "I just bloody FAILED potions!  
AGAIN! He grades me so bloody hard! It's like, `Oh yes, Neville Longbottom...hmmm, he's the little retard boy, so any question he gets wrong fails him.' And its like-everything I do is not only wrong but illegal, immoral, spasmodic, wrong, illogical, freakish, and has something to do with mental subnormalities!" He sat back heavily and huffed. "Phew, that was harsh," "No, Harry, Snape's not a rapist, he's the only teacher in this school worth monkey shit when you want revenge." Ron stirred his cauldron slowly. "Ron," Hermione said slowly, "have you been spending too much time with Professor Snape?" "Hermione, are you pissing me off?" Hermione snapped her mouth shut.  
  
Malfoy was on his guard today. After Pansy's revolting worm attack and his own swollen face, he knew that Ron was taking after his twin brothers. Bloody bastard, he was so poor he couldn't even afford to pay attention. Malfoy kept looking sharply around, to make sure nothing abnormal could happen to him. He wasn't opening anything, drinking anything, or eating anything. But...but what was that warm liquid pouring slowly down the back of his robes? And why was everyone laughing? He slowly turned around and saw that he was being followed by a little leprechaun that was periodically pissing on the back of his neck. He looked to the Gryffindor table, furious. Potter was rolling on the floor, clutching at his sides, that Granger mudblood was pounding her fist into the table. She wasn't really laughing, she had surpassed mere laughing; she was now reddening fiercely across her whole face and convulsing, her face contorted quite strangely. Ron was just grinning, grinning violently  
and maliciously. His twin brothers and Lee Jordan were kneeling at his chair, arms down in Saloms crying, "You are a GOD!" The leprechaun wizzed again, right on the top of his head, and the twins cried, "A GOD I SAY!" While Jordan moaned "I am not worthy! I'm not worthy, O Lord of the practical jokes!" Malfoy furiously looked to the staff table. Dumbledore had both hands over his mouth, and Snape his own head of house, could barely keep from laughing. Flitwick was banging his tiny head against the table, choking breathlessly on his own cackling. Malfoy stormed from the room, his "Leaky Leprechaun" following him. Everyone attempted to calm down a bit, until they heard a trickling sound; which launched more peals of uproarious laughter.  
  
"Not to shabby, Weasley," Seamus Finnigan said in passing. "I still say you're a God for the moment," Fred grinned. "Can I have your autograph?" Colin Creevey asked hopefully. "Hey," Harry joked. "You stole my stalker! But that was pretty hot what you did. I think Leaky's still following him." "He's right Ronnie," Pansy Parkinson said, slipping her arms around her ex. "I should have realized he's a creep. You're so good..." she smelled his hair. "Not for you!" Ron ducked from beneath her arms. "Why would I waste my time on you, baby? I'd just have to have you spewing purple worms later. I see now-" (Ron gave a dramatic pause) "-YOU WERE JUST USING ME BECAUSE I HAVE BIG FEET!" Everyone stopped and stared. "It's true," he said quietly. "Size 9 1/2 wide," A group of Ravenclaw preppy girls gasped. One put her hand to her face and mouthed, "Call me," Pansy burst into a tirade. "WHAT?! Ron, it's those stupid friends of yours, isn't it?! I bet they're just jealous that you found  
me!" "Oh PLEASE! Hermione isn't a lesbo, and Harry isn't that desperate," he turned sharply to Harry, who shrugged helplessly at Ron's glare. "What, you can never turn down a tramp! Pansy, have you ever been turned down?" Harry asked, pleadingly. "Nope!"She smiled proudly. "Well now you have!" Ron started to walk away, but George caught him. "Hey, why do we need to have this big, sentimental Dawson's Creek moment?" "Yeah!" Fred put in. "If she bothers you again, set Leaky on her." Everyone in the hall laughed at the thought of the Happy Little Leprechaun who tends to drink too much. Ron smiled and raised his eyebrows. Pansy's humiliation was the icing on the cake for him, he thought, until he saw Malfoy stalk past with Leaky following him. Ron turned and walked away, contented, and for the first time in weeks his smile was not an evil one. 


End file.
